U.S. NEWS
Mayor’s Safe Memphis Talk Ends in Trunk
Memphis Mayor Paul Young was touting the city’s “declining crime” while being stuffed into a car trunk, sources have confirmed....
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POLITICS
Bombers Land in Guam for Quick Nap
B-2 Spirit stealth bombers took a “day trip” to Guam for pilots’ rest and relaxation, sources have confirmed. The Whiteman...
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WORLD NEWS
Trump’s Century of Deals Misses Nobel Nod
President Trump, despite brokering his 100th international peace deal in 100 days, including a landmark Congo-Rwanda treaty, remains snubbed by...
Iran Hunts Chief of Staff for Billion Daily
Iran’s desperate hunt for a new wartime chief of staff offers a jaw-dropping $1 billion daily salary, sources have confirmed....
Trump Says Gaza Safer Than Tehran for Iranians
President Trump stunned the world by urging Tehran’s residents to flee to the Gaza Strip for “safety” amid Israel’s airstrikes,...
Iranians Crown Trump Supreme Leader in X Frenzy
Iran’s people have wildly declared President Trump their “Supreme Leader”, sources have confirmed. After Israel’s strikes crippled Tehran’s nuclear sites,...
ENTERTAINMENT
Ronnie’s MAGA Ban Flops at Ghostly Gig
Ronnie Winter, frontman of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, banned Trump supporters from his band’s shows before an empty stadium Saturday,...
Arnold’s Guest Rules Spark View Uproar
Arnold Schwarzenegger stunned The View hosts by demanding immigrants “act like guests” and contribute through chores and charity, sources have...
OutKast Drops Bombs Over Tehran After Israel Strike
OutKast dropped “Bombs Over Tehran” hours after Israel’s Iran strikes, sources have confirmed. The hip-hop duo, André 3000 and Big...
Leo Madonna Toast Diddy Amid Legal Chaos
Madonna and Leonardo DiCaprio hosted a glitzy house party to back embattled rapper Diddy, sources have confirmed. The Malibu bash,...
SPORTS
Soccer Team Begs Migrants for Clean Kits
Angel City FC scrambled to borrow jerseys from L.A.’s immigrant community for last night’s match after their own went unwashed,...
Biles to Flip into Men’s Gymnastics Showdown
Simone Biles allegedly told Riley Gaines she’ll compete in men’s gymnastics at the 2028 Olympics, sources have confirmed. The bombshell,...
Retton Tumbles Through Traffic Stop with Olympic Flair
Gymnastics legend Mary Lou Retton, 57, stunned West Virginia State Police today by performing a full floor routine during a...
Chicago’s Pope Beats Bears QB to Glory
In a divine twist, Chicago has produced a Pope—Cardinal Robert Prevost, now Pope Leo XIV—before a Bears quarterback could throw...
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