U.S. NEWS
Chicago Grads Soar While Skipping Class Like Champs
Chicago Public Schools are celebrating a record 92% high school graduation rate for 2025, despite absenteeism hitting an all-time high...
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POLITICS
Elon’s Black Eye Courtesy of Macron’s Wife
Tech titan Elon Musk shocked the world, appearing at a White House farewell with a black eye, allegedly courtesy of...
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WORLD NEWS
Putin’s Party on Ukraine Line Sparks Dance Fever
Russian President Vladimir Putin threw a “bumping party” for 50,000 troops on the Ukrainian border near Donetsk, complete with vodka,...
Chinese Students Sent Home to Snoop on Xi
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has launched a bold operation, deporting 500 Chinese students from U.S. universities back to China...
Ivey Skips Heroes for MS13 Pal in El Salvador
Rep. Glenn Ivey, D-Md., marked Memorial Day by jetting to El Salvador to visit deported illegal immigrant and suspected MS-13...
Playful Slap Leaves Macron Red Faced in Vietnam
French President Emmanuel Macron was publicly “bitch slapped” by his wife, Brigitte, during a playful scuffle in Hanoi, Vietnam, while...
ENTERTAINMENT
Imagine Dragons Rocks Gaza with Palestinian State Tunes
Imagine Dragons announced a concert series in the Gaza Strip, kicking off in Khan Yunis, titled “Imagine A Palestinian State,”...
Trump Wins Rosie Over with Cheap Mounjaro Magic
Rosie O’Donnell, the outspoken liberal comedian, stunned conservatives today by praising President Trump for slashing the price of her weight...
Miley’s Video Shoot Sours with Banana Slip Infection
Pop star Miley Cyrus suffered a bizarre injury while filming her “Something Beautiful” music video in Hollywood, slipping on a...
Hillary Plays Tyrant in Handmaid’s Tale Irony Fest
Hillary Clinton, after lecturing Republican women not to become “handmaids to the patriarchy” at a D.C. rally yesterday, has landed...
SPORTS
Retton Tumbles Through Traffic Stop with Olympic Flair
Gymnastics legend Mary Lou Retton, 57, stunned West Virginia State Police today by performing a full floor routine during a...
Chicago’s Pope Beats Bears QB to Glory
In a divine twist, Chicago has produced a Pope—Cardinal Robert Prevost, now Pope Leo XIV—before a Bears quarterback could throw...
Commanders Get Yuge Mall Home Trump Says
In a bold move, President Donald Trump announced the Washington Commanders’ new home will be a massive stadium on the...
Governor’s Football Fumble Earns NFL Draft Snub
In a shocking twist, Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers has been projected as this year’s NFL Draft Mr. Irrelevant after a...
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