U.S. NEWS
Jeffries Launches Multi-Million Investigation Into Trump’s Ballroom — Demands “Equal Glitter for All”
Washington, D.C. — Progressive Hakeem Jeffries has reportedly announced a multi-million-dollar investigation into President Trump’s privately funded White House ballroom,...
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POLITICS
Moderate Democrats Form Secret Support Group to Cope with Fear of Their Own Base
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Terrified moderate Democrats have reportedly formed a secret therapy circle called “Anonymous Moderates” to cope with the...
WORLD NEWS
Democrats File Bill to Tax Fleeing Homeowners — ‘You Left, You Share’ Becomes New Socialist Slogan
New York City — Progressive lawmakers in New York and New Jersey are reportedly working overtime on a proposal that...
Microwave Majesty: Prince Andrew Reportedly Learning How to Cook After Royal Perks Vanish
LONDON — Following the removal of his royal banner and privileges, Prince Andrew has reportedly been forced to live what...
Schumer Refuses to Reopen Government Until Polls Confirm He’s Cooler Than AOC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal sources have confirmed that Chuck Schumer is refusing to reopen the government until new polling shows...
Billionaire Cuts Off U.S. Left-Wing Groups, Leaves Them on Read After Discovering They Only Wanted Him for His Money
LONDON, ENGLAND — A British billionaire has reportedly cut off several U.S. left-wing organizations after realizing they “only wanted him...
ENTERTAINMENT
Socialist Declares Knicks ‘Public Property’ After Being Told to Stop Using Logo
NEW YORK — Socialist Zohran Mamdani has reportedly declared the New York Knicks “a team of the people” after being...
Rosie O’Donnell Accidentally Unites America After Calling for ‘Boycott of America’
Somewhere outside the U.S.— What began as another unhinged celebrity rant turned into an unexpected miracle: Rosie O’Donnell has accidentally...
Democrats Accidentally Admit They’re Fighting for Billionaires, Announce New Slogan: “We Care About The Rich Who Care About Us”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After days of pretending to “fight for the people,” Democrats accidentally admitted they’re actually fighting to protect...
“No Kings” Protest Accidentally Crowns Itself Supreme Ruler of Chaos
The “No Kings” protest continued its tour of major American cities this week, leaving behind blocked roadways, flattened flowerbeds, and...
SPORTS
UNC’s “Gentle Tackle” Defense Lets Clemson Score for Unity
After Clemson’s win, UNC revealed it had been experimenting with a Biden-era artificial intelligence system to “update Bill Belichick’s outdated,...
NFL Time Machine: Ref Uses Vintage 90s Move, Doesn’t Care About Words
Seattle Seahawks' Jaxon Smith-Njigba reportedly unleashed a few unprintable words at an NFL referee after a play, sources have confirmed....
Commanders Win, Coach Bleeds, Fans Cheer: “This Is Football, Not Hopscotch”
Washington Commanders head coach Dan Quinn was left bloodied after colliding with quarterback Marcus Mariota, and within minutes, woke protesters...
Jason Kelce and Bald Eagle Fight To Keep “Tush Push”
PHILADELPHIA — Eagles legend and ESPN football analyst Jason Kelce has declared that critics of the infamous “Tush Push” are...
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