U.S. NEWS
Anthropic Gives AI a Wet Lab, Congress Discovers Oversight May Be Too Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress reportedly learned Anthropic had given artificial intelligence access to a wet lab Tuesday, prompting lawmakers to...
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POLITICS
Los Angeles Mayoral Race Somehow Becomes Trump vs. Tacos and Dogs
LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles politics reportedly reached its final evolutionary stage this week after Mayor Karen Bass unveiled another...
WORLD NEWS
Today We Remember
Today, we put the jokes aside. Twenty-five years ago, on September 11, 2001, 2,977 people were killed in the terrorist...
Pelosi Shows Her Teeth, Reminds Democrats She Remembers Who Disavowed Her
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nancy Pelosi showed her political teeth this week, but the target was not Republicans, it was her...
Government Solves Housing Crisis By Updating Definition of “Affordable”
NEW YORK, NY — Progressive city officials reportedly solved America’s affordable-housing crisis Monday after discovering it was considerably easier to...
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
ENTERTAINMENT
Newsom Goes to Therapy After Paramount Settlement, Discovers Standing His Ground Also Makes Everyone Mad
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gavin Newsom reportedly checked himself into an emergency political therapy session this week after discovering that agreeing...
Hunter Biden Announces Art Comeback, Family Immediately Checks Couch Cushions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hunter Biden reportedly announced plans for a triumphant return to the art world this week, sending the...
Political Commentators Diagnose Accent Reboot Failure After Detroit Speech
DETROIT, MI — America’s political commentariat reportedly abandoned elections, inflation, foreign policy, and every other issue Tuesday after discovering Kamala...
Former College QB Reportedly Confused Truck Theft With Transfer Portal
PITTSBURGH, PA — Former college quarterback Phil Jurkovec reportedly entered a brief but intense “glory days” relapse last week after...
SPORTS
NFL Debuts New Era of Bandaids, Tirades and Gatorade
CHICAGO, IL — The NFL reportedly unveiled its softest product yet Sunday after Bears quarterback Caleb Williams grabbed his hamstring...
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
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