U.S. NEWS
Big Tech Launches Revolutionary New Spam Filter: Democracy, But Only the Emails We Like
SILICON VALLEY, CA — Google and Microsoft reportedly celebrated a breakthrough in artificial intelligence Monday after their spam filters became...
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POLITICS
El-Sayed Runs Out of Housing Villains, Declares Michigan Football a Residential Emergency
ANN ARBOR, MI — Abdul El-Sayed reportedly escalated Michigan’s housing crisis to DEFCON MAIZE after discovering that some football fans...
WORLD NEWS
Protesters Defeat High Fuel Prices by Burning All the Fuel They Could Afford
Protest organizers announced they had defeated rising fuel prices by purchasing fuel and setting it on fire in the middle...
French Police Unveil New Immigration Strategy: Help Every Problem Float to Britain
French authorities have unveiled an immigration strategy based on helping every problem float toward Britain, sources have confirmed. The initiative,...
Officials Who Declared Borders Outdated Order Emergency Shipment of Borders
Officials who spent their campaigns declaring borders outdated have ordered a shipment of borders after discovering that Ceuta cannot be...
Today We Remember
Today, we put the jokes aside. Twenty-five years ago, on September 11, 2001, 2,977 people were killed in the terrorist...
ENTERTAINMENT
Tucker Kraft Asks Packers Fans if They Want Cheese With That Whine
GREEN BAY, WI — Tucker Kraft reportedly responded to Lambeau Field boos by asking Packers fans whether they wanted “some...
Former College QB Reportedly Confused Truck Theft With Transfer Portal
PITTSBURGH, PA — Former college quarterback Phil Jurkovec reportedly entered a brief but intense “glory days” relapse last week after...
Plainfield Police Bust Massive TP Ring, Town Narrowly Avoids Two-Ply Apocalypse
PLAINFIELD, IL — Plainfield police reportedly prevented the largest coordinated toilet-paper offensive in suburban history after seizing 650 rolls believed...
NFL Debuts New Era of Bandaids, Tirades and Gatorade
CHICAGO, IL — The NFL reportedly unveiled its softest product yet Sunday after Bears quarterback Caleb Williams grabbed his hamstring...
SPORTS
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
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