U.S. NEWS
Cruise Ship Descends Into Floating Democrat City After Chair Hogs Claim Every Pool Lounger As Affordable Housing
ABOARD THE SS REGRET — A seven-day Caribbean cruise descended into chaos this week after passengers began claiming pool chairs...
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POLITICS
Democrat Leadership Masters “We Haven’t Seen It” Defense On Platner Scandal
WASHINGTON — In a coordinated display of weaponized cluelessness, Chuck Schumer, Hakeem Jeffries, and every Democrat still trusted to speak...
WORLD NEWS
Kristen Stewart, Worth $70 Million, Quits Billionaire Hollywood To Launch Anti-Billionaire YouTube Channel Owned By Billionaires
CANNES, FRANCE — In a stunning blow to capitalism delivered from the steps of a French villa, Kristen Stewart announced...
Mangione Superfans Obtain NYC Press Passes After Correctly Answering “Do You Hate Rich People?”
NEW YORK — New York City’s press credentialing process reached historic new lows this week after a squad of Luigi...
Former LA Mayor Accidentally Tells The Truth: “Yeah… It’s Not Trump’s Fault We’re A Dumpster Fire”
LOS ANGELES — In what historians are calling the most dangerous act of political heresy since a journalist asked a...
Democrats Introduce First-Ever Mime Presidential Candidate: “Kamala Harris Will Say Nothing… Literally”
WASHINGTON — With the 2028 field desperate for a candidate who can promise free everything without accidentally forming a complete...
ENTERTAINMENT
Stephen Colbert Goes Out With A Bang Of Silence As Final Show Receives Standing Ovation From Applause Button
NEW YORK — Stephen Colbert’s final bow on The Late Show reportedly ended with a thunderous bang of silence, three...
Caitlin Clark Passes LeBron In Jersey Sales, Triggering Royal Emergency At Nike Headquarters
NEW YORK — Caitlin Clark reportedly passed LeBron James in jersey sales this week, triggering a five-alarm legacy emergency so...
Tom Brady Struts Gucci Runway In Leather Skinny Jeans, Proving He Can Deflate Anything
Tom Brady made his catwalk debut at Gucci’s latest fashion show, proving once again that the man can deflate footballs,...
Jake Paul Calls Out Conor McGregor, Immediately Begins Googling ‘Can You Uncall Out Someone?’
LAS VEGAS — In the latest episode of Influencer Gets Mouthy And Immediately Regrets It, YouTube phenom-turned-boxing promoter Jake Paul...
SPORTS
Trans Athlete’s Mom Outraged Biological Girls Allowed To Share Podium: “This Is Unfair To My Child!”
SACRAMENTO — California’s new track-and-field compromise broke irony meters statewide this week after activists who spent years demanding inclusion were...
Steve Kerr Has Great Woke Awakening
In a moment of pure enlightenment that left social justice warriors weeping into their oat milk lattes, Golden State Warriors...
CBS Misses Rory McIlroy’s Final Masters Shots After Deciding “Everyone At Augusta Won”
In a devastating blow to Americans who still believe sports broadcasts should show the sport, CBS reportedly missed Rory McIlroy’s...
CB Bucknor Praised By Progressive MLB Fans For Liberating Baseball From Outdated ‘Safe’ And ‘Out’ Labels
Major League Baseball unveiled its most progressive rule change yet Tuesday night after an umpire made a call so confusing...
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