U.S. NEWS
Maryland Officials Struggle To Write Report After Running Out Of Ways To Describe Situation
LA PLATA, MD — Maryland officials confirmed this week they are still attempting to complete official paperwork following an incident...
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POLITICS
Schumer Suffers Brief Flashback To When He Opposed Illegal Voting
WASHINGTON — Chuck Schumer reportedly caused widespread confusion this week after experiencing what aides described as a “brief policy flashback”...
WORLD NEWS
Far-Left Activists Fly To Cuba To Fight Oppression, Immediately Locate Only Building With Electricity
HAVANA — A group of far-left activists traveled to Cuba this week to stand in solidarity with struggling residents, promptly...
Missing Supreme Leader Emerges Only In Handwritten Notes, Insists He’s “Totally Not Hiding”
TEHRAN — Iran’s New Supreme Leader was reportedly spotted again this week in his natural habitat — a strongly worded...
Obama Center Seeks Unpaid Volunteers While Executives Continue Heroically Earning $740K Waiting For Building To Open
CHICAGO — The Obama Presidential Center announced this week it is seeking skilled unpaid volunteers to help support operations at...
Offended Cartels Protest ‘Terrorist’ Label, Insist They Are ‘Misunderstood Supply Chain
MEXICO CITY — Leaders of several major drug cartels held a rare unified public protest this week after recent U.S....
ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood Declares Itself Historic Landmark After Successfully Eliminating Film Industry
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood officials confirmed this week the entertainment capital of the world has officially transitioned into a living...
Netflix Announces It’s ‘Done’ Pretending Anyone Cares About Harry & Meghan
LOS ANGELES — Netflix executives confirmed this week they are officially “done” with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle after nearly...
Is Fetterman Actually Batman? Senator Spotted Secretly Doing What He Thinks Is Right
WASHINGTON — Questions are swirling this week after Senator John Fetterman began exhibiting behavior many Democrats described as “deeply concerning,”...
Liberals Demand Release Of Repeat Offender, Warn Jailing Criminals Could Threaten Las Vegas ‘Sin City’ Brand
LAS VEGAS — Progressive activists across the country are calling for the immediate release of a repeat offender this week...
SPORTS
LA Marathon Introduces ‘Spirit Of Completion’ Medal For Runners Who Considered Showing Up
LOS ANGELES — Organizers of the Los Angeles Marathon unveiled a groundbreaking new policy this weekend awarding a “Spirit of...
Padres Lose Pitcher to Taxes, Newsom Promises Replacement Player Will Arrive on High-Speed Rail
California officials are reportedly scrambling after MLB pitcher Merrill Kelly declined a Padres offer, citing the state’s tax rate, a...
Left Demands Congressional Hearing After Kash Patel Recklessly Celebrates U.S. Hockey Victory Without Apologizing to Canada
Democrats reportedly reopened the investigation into FBI Director Kash Patel this week after realizing he celebrated Team USA’s hockey victory...
U.S. Victory Placed Under Review For Displaying Unregulated Patriotism
International officials confirmed Monday that Team USA’s overtime gold medal victory over Canada has been placed under formal review for...
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