U.S. NEWS
Democratic Elders Warn Mamdani That Socialism Works Better Before Anyone Checks The Math
NEW YORK — Clinton and Obama-era Democratic heavyweights reportedly joined Republicans this week in criticizing Zohran Mamdani, creating panic inside...
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POLITICS
DNC Chair Throws Phone After Learning Democrats Are Losing Monopoly With Real Money
WASHINGTON — DNC Chair Ken Martin reportedly threw a phone at an aide’s desk after realizing the Democratic National Committee...
WORLD NEWS
Israelis Of Every Faith Ask American Leftists If They Have Ever Met Israel
JERUSALEM — Arab Christians, Muslims, Jews, Druze, and other Israelis reportedly held a rare unity press conference this week to...
Leftist Leopard Storms Liquor Store After Being Asked For ID, Immediately Offered Amnesty By DSA
INDIA — A leopard reportedly burst into a liquor store, startled employees, knocked over bottles, and ransacked a stock room...
Fetterman Reportedly Escapes Socialist Group Chat, Discovers Outside World Still Exists
WASHINGTON — In what political scientists are calling "the greatest escape since someone found the office coffee that wasn't decaf,"...
Nation Confused After ADHD Medication Shortage Is Followed By Record Cocaine Bust
SYDNEY — Australians reportedly experienced the most confusing pharmaceutical plot twist in recent memory after months of ADHD medication shortages...
ENTERTAINMENT
Reality Star Pitches New L.A. Crime Show After Realizing Everyone In Hollywood Has Already Been Robbed
LOS ANGELES — Reality star Morgan Stewart revealed that “everyone” she knows in Los Angeles has been robbed, accidentally giving...
Fauci’s COVID Diaries Reveal Nation’s Top Doctor Was Also Patient Zero For Main Character Syndrome
WASHINGTON — Newly released COVID-era diary entries reportedly revealed Dr. Anthony Fauci spent part of the pandemic tracking media attention...
Dem Cities: Voter ID Is Oppressive Unless You Need It To Enter A Neighborhood
BALTIMORE — Officials in Baltimore, Maryland, reportedly updated rules in the Fells Point neighborhood requiring visitors to show physical ID...
Feeding Our Future Fraudster Insists $120K Juror Payment Was Just Another Meal Program
MINNEAPOLIS — A man convicted in the Feeding Our Future fraud scheme reportedly shouted his innocence this week after being...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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