U.S. NEWS
NYC Socialist Introduces ‘Biological Need’ Defense, Maserati Owners Immediately Hide Keys
NEW YORK CITY — Socialist lawmakers unveiled a revolutionary criminal justice concept Monday allowing residents to take anything they “biologically...
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POLITICS
Hasan Piker Warns ‘Knives Will Be Out,’ Democrats Respond by Childproofing the Capitol
MADISON, WI — Hasan Piker warned that “the knives will be out” after socialist Francesca Hong lost Wisconsin’s Democratic gubernatorial...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Newsom Celebrates as California Successfully Drives Hollywood Out of Hollywood
LOS ANGELES, CA — Gov. Gavin Newsom celebrated another major victory for California Tuesday after Paramount reportedly considered leaving the...
DSA Members Suddenly Identify as 10-Year-Olds After Hearing Meta Owes Kids $567 Million
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hundreds of adult DSA members arrived at settlement offices Monday claiming to be unusually hairy 10-year-olds after...
Bill Maher Exposes Final DSA Platform: Absolutely No Holidays Ever
NEW YORK, NY — Bill Maher accidentally uncovered the Democratic Socialists of America’s final policy objective after learning that apparently...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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