U.S. NEWS
Maryland Steak Smugglers Arrested After Selling Black-Market Ribeyes From Pickup Truck
WESTMORELAND COUNTY, PA — Two Maryland men were arrested this week after allegedly selling steaks from the back of a...
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POLITICS
Campaign Staff Ask Maine Vendors If They Accept Robux After $16 Million Platner Faceplant
AUGUSTA, ME — Democrat campaign organizers were reportedly seen wandering through Maine this week asking local businesses whether they accepted...
WORLD NEWS
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
250 Years Later, The American Experiment Still Burns Bright
Two hundred and fifty years ago, ordinary men signed an extraordinary promise. They pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their...
Paris Deputy Mayor Blames American Air Conditioning After Remembering Paris Is In France
PARIS — Paris Deputy Mayor Audrey Pulvar reportedly blamed Americans and their reckless use of air conditioning for Europe's latest...
ENTERTAINMENT
Socialist Surge Breathes New Life Into Medicare For All After Activists Realize “They Can’t Audit Everybody”
WASHINGTON — Socialist Democrats reportedly renewed their push for Medicare for All this week after learning federal investigators had exposed...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
Nation Accidentally Unites After License Plate Cameras Lose Track Of Literally Everyone
RICHMOND — Americans from every political persuasion reportedly experienced a rare moment of national unity this week after learning hundreds...
Garcia-Navarro Caught Charging Batteries, Confesses She’s Deep State Android Programmed To Malfunction Around American Flags
WASHINGTON — Viewers watching a live political panel were left stunned after journalist Lulu Garcia-Navarro reportedly suffered what engineers later...
SPORTS
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
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