U.S. NEWS
NEW YORK — Rosie O’Donnell returned to the United States this week after fleeing the country in protest of President...
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POLITICS
Trump Leaves Knicks Loss Sad, Then Laughs All The Way Home After Hearing Stephen A. Smith Might Run For President
NEW YORK — President Trump was reportedly devastated after watching the Knicks lose Game 3 at Madison Square Garden, but...
WORLD NEWS
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
Rosie O’Donnell Gets Secret Facelift So She Can Sneak Back Into Visit Trump Undetected
DUBLIN — Rosie O’Donnell reportedly admitted feeling “shameful” after her secret facelift was exposed, though sources close to the actress...
Russell Crowe Criticized For Not Letting Paris Autograph Crowd Turn Into Full French Revolution
PARIS — Actor Russell Crowe sparked international outrage this week after committing the unforgivable celebrity crime of asking an excited...
ENTERTAINMENT
Jimmy Kimmel Discovers Internet Has Memory, Immediately Declares Screenshots A Threat To Democracy
HOLLYWOOD — Jimmy Kimmel’s latest attempt to mock Spencer Pratt reportedly detonated on launch this week after Pratt responded by...
Red Sox Send Brayan Bello To T-Ball After Learning Pitchers Can’t Give Up First-Inning Runs There
BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been...
Anthony Joshua Saves Boxing By Punching Jake Paul Back Into The Influencer Economy
LAS VEGAS — Six months after Anthony Joshua folded Jake Paul like a sponsored lawn chair, sources say the YouTuber-turned-boxer...
Jimmy Kimmel Enters Emergency Affirmation Bunker After Trump Predicts He’s Next Late-Night Host To Go
HOLLYWOOD — Jimmy Kimmel was reportedly rushed into ABC’s emergency affirmation bunker this week after President Trump predicted he could...
SPORTS
College Baseball Player Ejected For Celebrating Home Run, Officials Remind Athletes Winning Is Problematic
ATHENS, GA — College baseball entered a brave new era of emotional safety this week after a Georgia player launched...
Canadians Deny Torching American Baseball Team’s Bus Was About Fear Of Losing: “We Were Just Providing Free Heat”
WINNIPEG — Canadian officials are insisting there is absolutely no connection between a U.S. minor league baseball team’s bus going...
Caitlin Clark Passes LeBron In Jersey Sales, Triggering Royal Emergency At Nike Headquarters
NEW YORK — Caitlin Clark reportedly passed LeBron James in jersey sales this week, triggering a five-alarm legacy emergency so...
Trans Athlete’s Mom Outraged Biological Girls Allowed To Share Podium: “This Is Unfair To My Child!”
SACRAMENTO — California’s new track-and-field compromise broke irony meters statewide this week after activists who spent years demanding inclusion were...
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