U.S. NEWS
California Spends $15 Billion on High-Speed Rail, Buys Everything Except a Train
SACRAMENTO, CA — California officials announced that the state’s high-speed rail project has reached a milestone after spending $15 billion...
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POLITICS
DNC Chair Throws Phone After Learning Democrats Are Losing Monopoly With Real Money
WASHINGTON — DNC Chair Ken Martin reportedly threw a phone at an aide’s desk after realizing the Democratic National Committee...
WORLD NEWS
Canada Rebrands NATO Espionage As Multicultural Knowledge Exchange
OTTAWA, CANADA: The Canadian government has condemned Belgium for arresting a Canadian NATO intern suspected of spying for China, calling...
Iranian Propagandists Learn America Still Has One Rule: Don’t Threaten Women And Children
WASHINGTON — Iranian regime-linked propagandists reportedly released a disturbing AI-generated video targeting First Lady Melania Trump and her son Barron,...
Israelis Of Every Faith Ask American Leftists If They Have Ever Met Israel
JERUSALEM — Arab Christians, Muslims, Jews, Druze, and other Israelis reportedly held a rare unity press conference this week to...
Leftist Leopard Storms Liquor Store After Being Asked For ID, Immediately Offered Amnesty By DSA
INDIA — A leopard reportedly burst into a liquor store, startled employees, knocked over bottles, and ransacked a stock room...
ENTERTAINMENT
Democratic Elders Warn Mamdani That Socialism Works Better Before Anyone Checks The Math
NEW YORK — Clinton and Obama-era Democratic heavyweights reportedly joined Republicans this week in criticizing Zohran Mamdani, creating panic inside...
Kamala Harris Preaches About Diverse Communities From Behind $8 Million Worth Of Locked Gates
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly hosted another inspirational preaching session about the importance of living in diverse communities this...
Rosie O’Donnell Claims Trump Is Obsessed With Her During Latest Musical Tribute To Trump
NEW YORK — In a dimly lit studio that “definitely used to be a comedy set at some point,” Rosie...
Fauci Testifies Before Senate By Pleading The Fifth To Confirming He Is Fauci, The Concept Of Fauci, And Possibly The Idea Of Identity Itself
WASHINGTON — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared before the Senate this week and delivered what witnesses are calling “the most aggressively...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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