U.S. NEWS
Mayor Brandon Scott Declares AFRAM Festival Floor Is Lava After Kids Get Too Close To Mayor
BALTIMORE — Mayor Brandon Scott celebrated AFRAM this weekend by rhythmically playing “drums” on a large man’s stomach before later...
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POLITICS
Democrats Warn Backing Graham Platner Could Sink Party’s Moral High Ground, Which Was Already Taking On Water
PORTLAND, ME — Democratic strategists were reportedly seen sprinting toward the lifeboats this week after Graham Platner’s scandal-plagued rise triggered...
WORLD NEWS
Scottish Soccer Fans Outdrink Boston’s Irish, Forcing City To Declare Emergency Guinness Shortage
BOSTON — World Cup officials confirmed this week that Scottish soccer fans have officially outdrunk Boston’s Irish population after marching...
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
ENTERTAINMENT
Republicans Suggest Ranch-Loving World Cup Fans Swap Places With Americans Who Hate America
WASHINGTON — Republicans proposed a simple immigration reform this week after millions of World Cup visitors arrived in the United...
Hunter Biden Offended By UFC At White House, Challenges Donald Trump Jr. To Cage Fight To Promote Peace
WASHINGTON — Hunter Biden reportedly became so deeply offended by President Trump’s UFC Freedom 250 event at the White House...
Hollywood Demands Tax Credits From The Same Ignorant Americans It Has Been Calling Stupid For 20 Years
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood elites reportedly launched a desperate push for federal tax credits this week, asking taxpayers to rescue...
Robert De Niro Compares Loving America To Abusive Marriage, Immediately Clarifies He Is Still The Victim In Every Metaphor
NEW YORK — Robert De Niro reportedly confused even his own publicist this week after comparing loving America to loving...
SPORTS
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
Mamdani Shocked To Learn New Yorkers Climbing Burning Buses Do Not Respect Gentle Socialist Suggestions
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly stunned this week after politely asking New Yorkers to behave during the...
Red Sox Send Brayan Bello To T-Ball After Learning Pitchers Can’t Give Up First-Inning Runs There
BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been...
Anthony Joshua Saves Boxing By Punching Jake Paul Back Into The Influencer Economy
LAS VEGAS — Six months after Anthony Joshua folded Jake Paul like a sponsored lawn chair, sources say the YouTuber-turned-boxer...
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