U.S. NEWS
DNC Updates ‘No Kings’ Slogan To ‘No Kings Unless They Say Whilst’
Democrats who spent the last week passionately defending their “No Kings” protests have now issued an important clarification that the...
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POLITICS
Democrats Unveil New ‘Forever Care’ Program
In a touching display of government compassion, progressive leaders announced a bold new initiative called “The Forever Hug Program,” designed...
WORLD NEWS
Swalwell Campaign Insists Candidate Is Real, Just Too Busy To Appear In Real Time
California gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell’s campaign clarified this week that the congressman remains fully available to voters, provided they do...
Hunter Biden Spotted Playing Real-Life ‘Where In The World Is Accountability?’ While Debt Collectors Spin Globe
Hunter Biden has reportedly embraced his current financial situation by launching an international hide-and-seek tour, challenging creditors to track him...
Paris Unveils “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” Encourages Officers To Pivot Away From Safety
PARIS — Officials in a Paris suburb this week announced the launch of “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” an innovative new approach...
Far-Left Activists Fly To Cuba To Fight Oppression, Immediately Locate Only Building With Electricity
HAVANA — A group of far-left activists traveled to Cuba this week to stand in solidarity with struggling residents, promptly...
ENTERTAINMENT
Charlize Theron Accidentally Becomes Most Conservative Woman In Hollywood After Telling Kids They Must Get Jobs
HOLLYWOOD—In a stunning blow to the national “free everything forever” movement, actress Charlize Theron horrified progressives this week by announcing...
“No Kings, Just Naps”: Harris Rally Puts Entire Audience to Sleep, Democrats Call It Leadership
Kamala Harris’s latest word-salad rally was so powerfully boring it accidentally cured sleep apnea for millions across America, sources have...
Seattle’s Victory Lap: Mayor Throws Farewell Rave as Last Millionaire Flees
In a bold celebration of economic equality, Seattle officials threw a citywide farewell rave with kombucha fountains and socialist anthems...
Elite Outrage Now Fully Automated, Accuracy Still Optional
In a bold leap forward for elite accountability, George Clooney unveiled Hollywood’s newest innovation: a “Selective Outrage Generator” designed to...
SPORTS
Steve Kerr Has Great Woke Awakening
In a moment of pure enlightenment that left social justice warriors weeping into their oat milk lattes, Golden State Warriors...
CBS Misses Rory McIlroy’s Final Masters Shots After Deciding “Everyone At Augusta Won”
In a devastating blow to Americans who still believe sports broadcasts should show the sport, CBS reportedly missed Rory McIlroy’s...
CB Bucknor Praised By Progressive MLB Fans For Liberating Baseball From Outdated ‘Safe’ And ‘Out’ Labels
Major League Baseball unveiled its most progressive rule change yet Tuesday night after an umpire made a call so confusing...
MLB Unveils Liberal Strike Robot To Eliminate America’s Last Acceptable Public Argument
Major League Baseball unveiled its latest left-wing innovation this week: a strike-zone robot capable of making bad calls with the...
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