U.S. NEWS
Former DSA Member Commits Ultimate Betrayal: He Remembers Everything
DETROIT, MI — The DSA reportedly activated its highest-level emergency protocol Tuesday after former member Jake Altman committed an unforgivable...
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POLITICS
Kaepernick Stands Up for Voting, Nation Checks Calendar for Possible Glitch
NEW YORK, NY — Television newsrooms reportedly stopped broadcasting for eleven consecutive seconds Tuesday after Colin Kaepernick announced that politics...
WORLD NEWS
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
ENTERTAINMENT
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Hollywood Sends Green Lantern Ring to HR After Discovering It Has Been Choosing Heroes Without DEI Approval
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Warner Bros. placed the Green Lantern power ring on indefinite administrative leave Thursday after writers discovered the...
Democrats Warn Jobs Are Meaningless If Employees Must Drive to Them
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rep. James Walkinshaw reportedly poured cold water on the latest jobs report Thursday by reminding Americans that...
Adam Schiff Agrees With Trump, Scientists Warn Reality May Be Unraveling
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal emergency sirens sounded across the nation Tuesday after Sen. Adam Schiff publicly agreed with President Trump,...
SPORTS
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
WNBA Launches Department of Authentic Womanhood After Two Former NBA Players Apply
NEW YORK CITY — The WNBA entered an unprecedented administrative crisis Monday after ruling Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White...
They Could’ve Built a League of Their Own—But Chose to Whine About Fairness Instead
NEW YORK CITY — Progressive sports officials reportedly spent years arguing over transgender athletes in women’s leagues before finally being...
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