U.S. NEWS
New Yorkers Abandon DoorDash After Learning Fake Marriage Pays $30,000
NEW YORK CITY — Thousands of cash-strapped New Yorkers reportedly deleted DoorDash, Uber Eats, and every other side-hustle app after...
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POLITICS
Hasan Piker Warns ‘Knives Will Be Out,’ Democrats Respond by Childproofing the Capitol
MADISON, WI — Hasan Piker warned that “the knives will be out” after socialist Francesca Hong lost Wisconsin’s Democratic gubernatorial...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
Bill Maher Exposes Final DSA Platform: Absolutely No Holidays Ever
NEW YORK, NY — Bill Maher accidentally uncovered the Democratic Socialists of America’s final policy objective after learning that apparently...
Kamala Harris Discovers Clinton-Era Voting Law, Demands Investigation Into Whoever Passed It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Kamala Harris reportedly demanded an emergency investigation after discovering federal law already prohibits noncitizens from voting in...
Democrats Spend $15 Million to Discover Socialism Is Expensive
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Centrist Democrats announced a $15 million campaign to defeat democratic socialism after realizing Vice President JD Vance’s...
Newsom Asks California to Delay Economic Collapse Until After 2028 Primary
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gov. Gavin Newsom privately urged Attorney General Rob Bonta to stop trying to block the Paramount-Warner Bros....
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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