U.S. NEWS
Adults Rush To Claim ‘Newborn Bonus,’ Discover Birth Certificates Surprisingly Difficult To Update
WASHINGTON — Federal offices reportedly experienced a surge of highly motivated adults this week after rumors spread that simply "feeling...
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POLITICS
Colorado Democrats Discover Biggest Threat To Democrats Is Other Democrats
DENVER — Colorado Democrats reportedly entered full-scale panic mode this week after learning the latest politically embarrassing leak hadn't come...
WORLD NEWS
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
250 Years Later, The American Experiment Still Burns Bright
Two hundred and fifty years ago, ordinary men signed an extraordinary promise. They pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their...
Paris Deputy Mayor Blames American Air Conditioning After Remembering Paris Is In France
PARIS — Paris Deputy Mayor Audrey Pulvar reportedly blamed Americans and their reckless use of air conditioning for Europe's latest...
ENTERTAINMENT
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
Hollywood Activists Furious After The Rock Refuses To Join Annual Celebrity Lecture Tour
HOLLYWOOD — Panic reportedly spread across Hollywood this week after Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson declined to participate in what insiders...
Hollywood Holds Emergency Meeting After ‘Supergirl’ Flop, Concludes Audiences Need Even More Lectures
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives reportedly gathered behind closed doors this week after Supergirl appeared headed for a massive financial...
Scientists Baffled As Tiny Hallucination Mushrooms Allegedly Reveal Socialist Leadership Consultants
BEIJING — Researchers studying a peculiar mushroom species that reportedly causes people to see tiny human-like figures were stunned this...
SPORTS
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
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