U.S. NEWS
NYC Socialist Introduces ‘Biological Need’ Defense, Maserati Owners Immediately Hide Keys
NEW YORK CITY — Socialist lawmakers unveiled a revolutionary criminal justice concept Monday allowing residents to take anything they “biologically...
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POLITICS
Newsom, Kamala, and AOC Walk Into a Bar, Immediately Begin 2028 Opposite-Day Primary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into a bar Tuesday, demanded the same stool, ordered...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Gen Z Moves Retirement Savings Into Sports Betting, Announces Parents’ Basement as Long-Term Asset
CHICAGO, IL — Gen Z investors announced they have discovered a revolutionary alternative to stocks, bonds, and homeownership: losing their...
New Yorkers Abandon DoorDash After Learning Fake Marriage Pays $30,000
NEW YORK CITY — Thousands of cash-strapped New Yorkers reportedly deleted DoorDash, Uber Eats, and every other side-hustle app after...
Mamdani Rent Advisor Unveils ‘Live Rent-Free’ Kit Featuring One Plastic Cockroach
NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s rent advisor, Tracy Rosenthal, unveiled a revolutionary housing program Tuesday allowing New Yorkers...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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