U.S. NEWS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
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POLITICS
NEW JERSEY DEMOCRATS ADMIT VOTER ROLL FAILURE WAS HORRIBLE, BUT ONLY BECAUSE SOMEONE NOTICED IT (AND THAT’S THE REAL SCANDAL)
TRENTON, NJ — New Jersey Democrats admitted a voter-roll failure so “horrible” officials said it was only horrible like spilling...
WORLD NEWS
Nation Confused After ADHD Medication Shortage Is Followed By Record Cocaine Bust
SYDNEY — Australians reportedly experienced the most confusing pharmaceutical plot twist in recent memory after months of ADHD medication shortages...
CBP Seizes $1.5 Million In FIFA Cocaine After Smugglers Label Shipment “Productivity Tools”
MIAMI — Customs and Border Protection agents reportedly intercepted $1.5 million worth of cocaine hidden inside FIFA World Cup shipping...
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
ENTERTAINMENT
Dem Cities: Voter ID Is Oppressive Unless You Need It To Enter A Neighborhood
BALTIMORE — Officials in Baltimore, Maryland, reportedly updated rules in the Fells Point neighborhood requiring visitors to show physical ID...
Feeding Our Future Fraudster Insists $120K Juror Payment Was Just Another Meal Program
MINNEAPOLIS — A man convicted in the Feeding Our Future fraud scheme reportedly shouted his innocence this week after being...
Karen Bass Blames Trump For L.A. Homelessness After City Runs Out Of Local People To Blame
LOS ANGELES — Mayor Karen Bass reportedly blamed President Trump for a reported increase in L.A. homelessness this week, marking...
Pelosi Aide Calls Hit-And-Run Charge Government Overreach After Vehicle Simply Turned Left And Kept Going
NAPA COUNTY, CA — The 86-year-old husband of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly charged after a hit-and-run crash...
SPORTS
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
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