U.S. NEWS
Media Renames Terrorists “Explosively Expressive Grievance Influencers”
NEW YORK: Major newsrooms have renamed terrorists “Explosively Expressive Grievance Influencers” after determining that calling them terrorists could damage their...
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POLITICS
Senate Saved by the Bell Before Anyone Had to Finish Anything
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Senate reportedly experienced the greatest miracle in government history Wednesday when the adjournment bell...
WORLD NEWS
Washington Discovers Security Has Political Allergies
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries reportedly suffered an immediate constitutional rash this week after hearing the words...
Protesters Defeat High Fuel Prices by Burning All the Fuel They Could Afford
Protest organizers announced they had defeated rising fuel prices by purchasing fuel and setting it on fire in the middle...
French Police Unveil New Immigration Strategy: Help Every Problem Float to Britain
French authorities have unveiled an immigration strategy based on helping every problem float toward Britain, sources have confirmed. The initiative,...
Officials Who Declared Borders Outdated Order Emergency Shipment of Borders
Officials who spent their campaigns declaring borders outdated have ordered a shipment of borders after discovering that Ceuta cannot be...
ENTERTAINMENT
NCAA Rejects Football’s Identity as Good Field Goal After Discovering It Follows President Trump
BLACKSBURG, VA — The NCAA rejected Virginia Tech’s football identifying as a successful field goal after investigators discovered it followed...
Tony Romo Seeks Medical Leave After Grueling Career of Being Wrong in Air Conditioning
Tony Romo has announced he needs a break from earning millions to guess what other millionaires might do next, sources...
Boston Launches Civic Leadership Class, Tells Lifelong Residents They Already Know Too Much
BOSTON, MA — City officials reportedly unveiled a $575 civic-leadership scholarship program for immigrants this week, then informed native-born Bostonians...
America Finally Solves Education by Removing the Education Part
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s education system reportedly declared its greatest victory in decades Monday after AI finally made it possible...
SPORTS
NFL Ball Boy Discovers Personal Space in a Contact Sport
JACKSONVILLE, FL — The NFL reportedly reached peak modernity Sunday after a ball attendant yelled “You can’t touch me!” at...
Tucker Kraft Asks Packers Fans if They Want Cheese With That Whine
GREEN BAY, WI — Tucker Kraft reportedly responded to Lambeau Field boos by asking Packers fans whether they wanted “some...
Former College QB Reportedly Confused Truck Theft With Transfer Portal
PITTSBURGH, PA — Former college quarterback Phil Jurkovec reportedly entered a brief but intense “glory days” relapse last week after...
NFL Debuts New Era of Bandaids, Tirades and Gatorade
CHICAGO, IL — The NFL reportedly unveiled its softest product yet Sunday after Bears quarterback Caleb Williams grabbed his hamstring...
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