Trump Sweeps Away Security Clearances

Donald Trump has revoked the security clearances of all 50 national security officials who once claimed Hunter Biden’s laptop saga was Russian misinformation, limiting their access strictly to janitorial closets, sources have confirmed.

The move, characterized by Trump as “cleaning up the intelligence community,” effectively bars these officials from entering any secure areas of government buildings unless equipped with a mop and bucket.

“In the spirit of transparency, they can now find all the leaks they want—in the basement,” Trump quipped during an impromptu press briefing held in the newly designated ‘Broom Closet Command Center’ at the Pentagon. Critics have denounced the decision as petty and vindictive, while supporters cheer it as a stroke of “clean genius.”

The affected officials have been spotted adjusting to their new roles, with one seen studying the proper dilution ratios of industrial floor cleaner as if it were a classified document. Meanwhile, janitorial supply rooms across Washington D.C. are reportedly at capacity, stocked with top-secret brooms and classified scrub brushes.

As of press time, a new executive training program was rumored to be in the works, featuring courses like “Counterintelligence and Countertops” and “Decrypting Dust Bunnies.”