In a sweeping display of preemptive forgiveness, President Biden has issued pardons to Mark Milley, Anthony Fauci, and the entire January 6th committee, asserting that “they have nothing to hide,” sources have confirmed.
The move, which stunned both supporters and critics alike, is said to be a bold effort to “clear the air” and “prevent future misunderstandings.”
“Everyone loves a good pardon, especially when there’s nothing to pardon!” Biden declared, winking during a press conference that left attendees puzzling over the legal and logical gymnastics of the statement. The president explained that these pardons would serve as a “get out of jail free card,” just in case anyone was thinking of playing Monopoly later.
Critics have lambasted the pardons as nonsensical, suggesting that Biden might be trying to sweep potential issues under the rug before they’ve even dirtied the floor. Supporters, however, have praised the president for his proactive approach to transparency and accountability, likening it to “giving an umbrella before it rains.”
As of press time, souvenir shops in D.C. were reportedly selling out of “I got pardoned by Biden and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” merchandise.
