The FDA has reportedly partnered with the Cartel to boost cigarette sales, sources have confirmed.
In a groundbreaking shift in public health policy, the Food and Drug Administration is joining forces with notorious cigarette smugglers to ensure that smoking isn’t just cool again—it’s mandatory.
This unexpected alliance came after an FDA administrator watched an old gangster movie and thought, “Hey, those guys knew how to move product.” Under the new program, each cigarette pack will come with a “Made with love by the Cartel” stamp and a complimentary lighter, ensuring that consumers feel a thrilling mix of loyalty and danger with every puff.
The FDA insists that this initiative will help regulate and stabilize cigarette distribution, while critics argue it might just be the most honest the agency has ever been about its public health impact. “If you can’t beat them, regulate them—and then join them,” the FDA commissioner reportedly joked at a recent smoke-filled backroom meeting.
As of press time, the FDA was seen updating its mission statement to include “supporting local entrepreneurs,” whether they’re from Big Pharma or Big Cartel.
