In a dramatic announcement that seemed straight out of a celestial screenplay, President Trump declared that ISIS leader in Iraq, Abu Khadija, had been expedited to the “pearly gates of heaven” only to be redirected swiftly to the “gates of hell,” sources have confirmed.
This otherworldly update on anti-terrorism efforts was delivered with the President’s characteristic flair during a press briefing that left the room half-aghast and half-amused.
“Abu Khadija’s tour of the afterlife was very short-lived, much like his recent attempts to regroup ISIS in Iraq,” Trump quipped, suggesting a divine intervention in the war on terror. The President described the militant leader’s supposed celestial rejection as a win for celestial security, claiming that even heaven has its limits.
As the international community and theological scholars debate the implications of such a statement, Trump’s administration stands by the assertion that this marks a significant blow to terrorist morale.
As of press time, sources close to the administration were reportedly consulting various religious texts to bolster their understanding of the afterlife’s entry criteria, while the President was preparing his next briefing, rumored to involve an update on purgatorial immigration policies.
Keep up the Good Work Mr. President!!