In a bold move to curb crime, California’s Democrat leadership has mandated locking up shampoo bottles in stores, claiming it prevents thieves from “slipping into a life of crime”, sources have confirmed.
Governor Newsom hailed the policy as “revolutionary,” arguing that securing toiletries behind plexiglass saves potential criminals from temptation.
“No shampoo, no crime spree—it’s simple math,” Newsom declared at a San Francisco Walgreens, where shoppers now need ID to buy conditioner.
Retailers report skyrocketing costs for lockboxes, while customers grumble about 20-minute waits for soap.
Critics, including local sheriffs, call it “absurd,” noting actual criminals remain free while shampoo is caged. Still, progressive activists praise the move, insisting it’s “restorative justice for haircare.”
Some stores have even hired “shampoo escorts” to monitor aisles. Republicans mock the policy, with one state senator quipping, “Next, they’ll arrest toothpaste for aiding cavities.”
Democrats defend the locks as a “compassionate” deterrent, vowing to expand to deodorant next.
As of press time, Newsom was spotted pitching a reality show, Locked Up Luxuries, to fund the initiative.
