Well, another Turkey Day has come and gone, and now that the dishes are done and the relatives have left, it’s time to take stock of what a truly awful family gathering it was this year. Unlike past years, I have concluded that most of the unpleasantness surrounding the day’s events was ultimately my fault. After sleeping on it, I’ve decided to atone for my behavior by listing my 10 biggest personal regrets from yesterday’s holiday!
Entering Turkey Eating Contest
I thought doing one of these before hosting Thanksgiving dinner would be a perfect way to get myself into the spirit of things. Instead, it rendered me full, tired, and grumpy. I’m really sorry to all of my relatives, especially the ones I snapped at when they asked me where all the turkey was once dinner was served.
Asking Liberal Family Members How They’ve Been Doing Since Election
Boy, do they not have a sense of humor about this stuff yet! Sorry to Aunt Karen and Uncle Matt and Cousin Karen. But also, maybe lighten up a little!
Betting On Dallas Cowboys
I really, really don’t know what I was thinking here. Sorry to everybody that was standing next to my TV when I chucked a dinner plate at it.
Attempting To Deep Fry Turkey
I’ve seen all those videos on the internet of people exploding their turkeys by sticking them in the deep fryer without knowing what they were doing, and I always thought “Wouldn’t be me.” I was right. Mine was so, so, so much worse than those videos I’d seen. Sorry to everyone that showed up to my house expecting turkey.
Mashing Potatoes With Feet
I saw a video that said that’s how they make wine and thought it could work! Sorry again for everyone I got sick. I’m also sorry for lying when everyone asked if I’d used my feet to mash the potatoes.
Fireworks Display
I thought everyone would get a kick out of that. Again, I’m so sorry to everyone that took any damage from my patriotic display.
Reenacting The First Thanksgiving Before Allowing Anyone To Eat
I thought this would be educational and fun, but it was really just violent and unsettling, and everyone was just really, really ready to eat by the end of my performance. Sorry, everybody!
Ate Way, Way Too Much Pie
There’s being full, and then there’s what happened to me yesterday. I’m sorry to everyone I yelled at while in my pie-induced rage. The doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it, and that until we figure out more I should at least stay away from pie.
Tried To Recreate Grandma’s Secret Gravy Recipe
In hindsight, I think there’s way, way more to it than hot water and steak sauce. Sorry to everyone that had the gravy.
Tried To Blend In With The Kids
I thought they had a cigarette vape but it was a weed vape and I freaked out. Sorry to all of my family members I accused of being secret agents. I was just being paranoid because of Cousin Craig’s vape pen.
Ahhh, family thanksgiving!! Adults drinking and gambling, kids wrestling and screaming, dog taking a dump by the fire place and the cat yakking a bone. Gotta love it!!
None this year. Biden/\/Kamala used all of the dumb time!!!
Love reconnecting with dysfunctional ( blended ) Family members.
Pretend youre okay with how they live and treat one another. Having total
irrelevant conversation over Turkey, just to break the somber mood.
Reminising about days gone bye, that arę better left gone. And to fake
saying take care and see you soon…blah, blah! On to Christmas, only to
repeta the Thanksgiving ritual. Gotta love it
Uhhh! Glad it’s over! Who would believe leftists greenies would bitch about turkey farts destroying the ozone and then pushing for more tofu. My democrat sister protested the pumpkin pie because “ they’re orange like Trump”. What a nut job!! And there’s plenty of them here in Vermont!!
Whoa, don’t quite know what to say here. The only positive spin I can think of to respond with is “Imitation is the best form of flattery.” I know The Babylon Bee makes it look easy, but as you have demonstrated, it’s not. The professionals always make it look that way, and the armatures help us see it is not.
But really, your uninventive The Babylon Bee