After a dangerously close assassination attempt on Donald Trump led to its director stepping down and increased scrutiny for the organization, the Secret Service has announced an extensive two-week training program that all new agents must take, sources have confirmed.
“Okay, no more screwing around,” said Cheryl Wilkins, the newly appointed director of the Secret Service. “The old application/interview process is over with. We have to start vetting our guys a little bit better. This is the Secret Service for God’s sake, not a Cinnabon! We ought to be able to stop a dickhead kid from nearly murdering a former President, in my opinion.”
Citizens were relieved to hear of the Secret Service’s newly reformed admission process.
“That makes sense,” said local resident Frank Orton. “I know it’s a hard and thankless job, but it’s an important one. These agents have to receive the proper training. Hopefully they find the time during the two weeks to cover how to secure every roof within a stone’s throw of one of the most controversial figures in modern history. Fingers crossed they’re able to squeeze that into the lesson plan!”
As of press time, the Secret Service also confirmed that all graduates of the new two-week training course would receive a License to Kill, and a gift card to The Olive Garden.
Became they also seem to have a communication problem, maybe go to bass pro shop and buy a bunch of cheap flare guns. They could pass them to all the agents and local police to fire if anyone suspicious shows up.. then collect them at the events end. Better yet, stop putting phycho democrats in charge!!!
what a complete joke! 2 weeks????
Yes! An embarrassing joke. That is kind of the point with this type of humor Jim.
Outsource … for competent people willing to work!!!!
Do you not know this is satire?
It should be 3 months training
It Takes 3 months just for leftist democrats to learn all the pro nouns.
That’s funny!
My kids had walkie talkies.
Really resonably & worked great. Lasted for yrs. As far as 2 wk. Training Are you kidding me? WE DID MORE THAT THAT IN HIGH SCHOOL. WHY NOT RECRUIT FROM MILITARY PERFERABLY SPECIAL FORCES.And by the way the women need to be tall. My brother is 6’4″ & I’m 5’7″ and I couldn’t cover him. So really men in the field protection. Women in other sectors .
Sweetie, this is satire
Two weeks, what a joke. Drop the DEI crap, fire the fat women and make the course at least 14 weeks run by Marine Drill Sergeants.
bravo … but Tom ..you do know this page is Satire ..right
I do hope that two weeks is an additional two weeks over the basic training. Some police departments train their officers for six months then continued education with their field training officers for one year.
This is a satire web site. Did you notice that the authors name is JOE KING? Take out the E and you’ll understand. Most intelligent people know not to believe what’s on the internet.
That’s funny!
More training for the new recruits is not what is needed. This is a dodge. The problem has been two fold: 1. lack of quality leadership and 2. playing politics instead of intelligently guiding the ship. Whether true or not, one certainly gets the impression, the lack of high quality leadership (not limited to the top) has been deliberately and purposefully missing. When leadership is poor, the troops perform poorly with only half-hearted performances as seen in this case. Throwing the supporting police forces under the bus by blaming them is another indication of poor leadership by the Secret Service. Whether they are protecting past or even the present president, nothing less than high quality performance is required.
Take your seriousness elsewhere. Thus page us a satire page
Soooo… is the “This is my weapon and this is my gun, which one’s for shootin and which ones for fun class” is…. cancelled?
The problem isn’t new hires it’s the assholes that’s already are on the payroll there’s The ones that need the training. Maybe it’s time to fire
The lazy asses that sit back and do nothing more than except a paycheck. You guys really screwed the pooch and all your disasters are coming to a head.
No, the problem is that you don’t know that this is a SATIRE site. Get real; the authors name is JOE KING; get it? You should have, because I can tell that you’re an intelligent person by your lack of punctuation, spelling, and capitalizing where it isn’t called for. Must be a liberal.
These new agents are being trained for the attacking of American citizens to break into their homes and kidnap them just like those of Jan 6 2021. They wont go after illegals.
Satire site, genius!