Following last night’s final game of the NHL playoffs, a drunken Florida man absconded with the Zamboni used to resurface the ice between periods and led police on a wild low-speed chase, sources have confirmed.
“Oh my god, I’ve never seen anything so boring,” said eyewitness Terry Honch, who is accustomed to the shocking and gruesome sights an average Florida citizen sees daily. “That thing was going five miles an hour if it was lucky. I shouldn’t even have pulled over when I heard the sirens. The whole thing made me 10 minutes late to my meth deal!”
Although the chase lasted for hours, authorities say there was never any threat of larger danger.
“Those things barely go at all, and good luck getting around a sharp corner,” said police officer Brad Scott, who successfully performed a PIT maneuver on the stolen Zamboni, ending the chase after it spanned four hours and one half of a mile. “If anything, the fact that it was going so slow made it harder to catch. I had to circle the block four or five times because I kept zipping past that damn thing.”
As of press time, no charges were pressed after NHL officials revealed they didn’t really need the Zamboni for a while.
Haha, very funny and clever.
The driver was quoted as saying: I’m A.C. dammit!”
Shameless use of AI garbage art in your posts…..Probably written by AI too..