In a nod to bygone eras of baseball glory, Yankees’ owner Hal Steinbrenner has announced a hairy new policy: all players must sport a mustache, sources have confirmed.
This decision, hearkening back to the team’s 1970s grooming policies under his father, George Steinbrenner, aims to instill a sense of nostalgia and perhaps a bit of intimidation on the field.
“Facial hair fosters unity and a bit of swagger,” Steinbrenner stated, twirling his own well-groomed mustache during the press conference. “And let’s face it, it’s just undeniably baseball.”
Players are scrambling to comply, with some looking into hair growth supplements and others considering mustache implants. The team’s grooming staff has been expanded to include a barbershop quartet, which not only trims but also serenades players with renditions of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
Critics have called the move eccentric and a potential distraction, but fans seem to be embracing the throwback with open arms, sporting fake mustaches at games in solidarity.
As of press time, the team’s merchandise store reported a surge in sales for mustache wax, while local barbershops experienced a sudden, unexpected uptick in appointments.
Satire be damned !!!! I think that is a great idea!! Lets go for it
What if a young rookie or some of these players can’t grow facial hair? Is this mandatory? Total bullshit. What a joke.