In what can only be described as a political circus with more twists than a pretzel factory, President Trump’s recent address to Congress left jaws on the floor and pundits scrambling for their thesauruses, sources have confirmed.
The spectacle included everything from House Democrats trotting out a leader so ancient he might need carbon dating, to Rep. Al Green stirring the pot and nearly inciting a riot with a controversial cane salute. Not to be outdone, the Democrats announced a new scholarship that had conservative eyebrows climbing their foreheads, while Trump casually hinted at Ukraine bending the knee for peace.
And just when you thought you’d seen it all, the President unveiled a plan for a massive dome to cover the U.S., with a smaller, shinier version slated for our polite neighbors to the north, should they ever decide to become our newest state.
Buckle up, folks—it seems American politics just took a turn into science fiction territory.
1) House Dems Opt for Truly Ancient Leadership
In a dramatic turn of political theater, Democrats have virtually sworn in a 300-year-old mummy as the honorary Minority Leader of the House.
This ancient induction came shortly after a heartwarming moment when a 13-year-old cancer survivor received a standing ovation as he was sworn in as an honorary Secret Service agent.
The mummy, believed to be a former sage from the early 18th century, was selected for its “vast experience and wisdom,” according to one senior Democratic strategist. “If it was good enough for the Pharaohs, it’s good enough for us,” they added, draping the mummy in a custom-made suit and tie.
The decision has left many puzzled and amused, with critics joking about the Democratic leadership’s new “antiquated” approach to politics. “At least their new leader won’t be flip-flopping on any issues,” chuckled a GOP staffer.
Meanwhile, the young Secret Service agent inductee has been widely praised for his courage and inspirational story, starkly contrasting the Democrats’ bizarre choice in leadership symbolism.
As of press time, the mummy had yet to comment on its new role, though it was seen being wheeled into its first committee meeting, effectively turning heads—some quite literally off their shoulders.
2) Rep Green’s Cane Salute Stirs Congress During Trump Speech
In a shocking turn of events at the Capitol during Donald Trump’s address to a joint session of Congress, Rep. Al Green was escorted out of the House chamber by the Sergeant-at-Arms after he was seen using his cane to mimic a Nazi salute.
The incident, which has sparked outrage and confusion, occurred amidst the charged atmosphere of the presidential speech.
Eyewitnesses report that Rep. Green’s unusual gesture was apparently meant as an exaggerated demonstration against what he called “the creeping fascism in educational policies.” However, the dramatic flair backfired spectacularly, leading to immediate condemnation from both sides of the aisle.
Colleagues were quick to distance themselves from the act, with one fellow representative describing it as “a misguided attempt at political theater during a highly formal event that ended up looking more like a horror show.”
The House Ethics Committee has announced an emergency review of the incident, promising a full investigation into the context and intent behind Rep. Green’s actions. Meanwhile, political commentators have had a field day, with one pundit joking that Congress might now need to install metal detectors for canes.
As of press time, souvenir shops around Washington D.C. were reportedly pulling all cane-related merchandise from their shelves, just to be safe.
3) Democrats Launch Levine Scholarship for Transgender Cadets
In a striking countermove to President Trump’s surprise announcement of a high school senior’s acceptance to West Point during his joint address to Congress, Democrats have unveiled the Admiral Rachel Levine scholarship.
This new scholarship is designated for transgender high school seniors committed to attending a military academy, marking a bold step in the ongoing cultural tug-of-war.
The scholarship, named after the first openly transgender four-star officer in the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps, aims to support transgender youth in their pursuit of military excellence. “It’s our way of showing that diversity strengthens our military forces, and that we truly embrace all brave hearts,” stated one Democratic senator, moments after the scholarship was announced.
The announcement was met with mixed reactions, with supporters praising the move as a milestone for inclusivity, while critics argue it politicizes military admissions. Across social media, debates erupted over whether military service should be about merit or also reflect progressive values.
As of press time, military forums were abuzz with speculation on whether the next military uniforms would include options for skirts or trousers, underscoring the ongoing discussion about gender norms in the armed forces.
4) Ukraine Prepares for Peace, One Knee at a Time
President Donald Trump declared that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is ready to “bend the knee for peace.”
The unexpected announcement has set the political world abuzz, with analysts scrambling to decode whether this was a literal or figurative bending.
“Zelenskyy is ready to take a knee, but only if it brings peace,” Trump proclaimed, sparking a mix of applause and bewildered looks from the audience. The statement, heavy with medieval overtones, left many wondering if Trump has been watching too much “Game of Thrones” or if diplomatic negotiations have taken a turn for the theatrical.
Observers were quick to point out that Zelenskyy, a former comedian, might just have the dramatic chops to pull off such a gesture, should it ever come to that. Meanwhile, critics accused Trump of oversimplifying a complex international crisis into a scene straight out of a fantasy series.
As of press time, sales of knee pads in Ukraine had reportedly spiked, as citizens prepared for possible peace talks, while HBO denied any involvement in international diplomacy.
5) U.S. to Sport Golden Dome, Canada Gets Silver
President Donald Trump unveiled plans for the Golden Dome, a colossal structure designed to cover and protect the entire United States.
Trump described it as “the biggest and most beautiful dome ever,” eclipsing even sports stadiums and state capitols. Not to leave out the non-contiguous states, he also promised “Two Lil Golden Domes” for Alaska and Hawaii.
Trump’s architectural ambition didn’t stop at U.S. borders. He teased a future Silver Dome for Canada, “once they get their act together and join us as the newest state.” This remark drew a mixture of laughter and applause from some quarters and bewildered silence from others.
Engineering experts are baffled about how such a massive project could be undertaken, while environmentalists are sounding alarms over potential impacts on weather and wildlife. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are having a field day, claiming the domes are actually a government plot for mind control.
As of press time, Canadian officials were reportedly googling ‘how to politely decline a giant dome’, while dome-shaped memorabilia began appearing in tourist shops across America.
Excellent sarcasm, kudos to the authors and Daily Skrape!
Maybe the 300 year old mummy would bring a breath of “fresh air” to the Dems in Congress. It certainly would know when to be respectfully quiet.
Al Green has been a loud-mouthed jerk and was totally disrespectful to the State of the union – thankfully just the beginning of the speech. Hypocrites as usual – where’s the Dems outcry over his Hitler salute?
I thought transgender in the military is now taboo?
Everyone except the Dems and Zelensky are for peace. Not enough money exchanging hands.
Not sure what to think of the giant dome. Although it would protect the US, for once I agree with the environmentalists. How would it affect our weather and our fauna and flora? Canada, you’re on your own if you don’t even want to discuss it and get answers to the questions. Anything new has to be evaluated to discuss the good with the bad and if it’s feasible.
One of the best yet. Thanks so much for providing these thought provoking (and funny) articles.
I waited for someone to ask Democrats who they think they work for ? It certainly is not Americans If Americans paid attention The last4 yrs netted every government employee massive money . Ask again What millionaires got rich ? Every chamber member ! That’s who Along with the perverts of the world . But not one penny for Americans So that’s why they never smiled or clapped for the child that battles cancer . They would if he wanted his penis removed. Especially when you are against even victims of crimes and a child. Petty perverts who act worse than children And Warren screaming she is for war. Send her to the front lines.We need a break ! Americans have sacrificed enough of our children for these Jesuits to complete the death of America. I watched in wonder As to why no one realized the cane reference ! It appears History of our country eludes most. The cane incident represented . A Congressman beating another congressman to death on the house floor because The democrat with the cane didn’t like what the other congressman stood for.
Do your homework It’s about time Americans revisited history that is no longer taught in our schools to remove any sense of Patriotism for the students own country.
Yes, if that young man had testicle cancer and they cut his penis off to treat it, the Dems would have clapped and jumped for joy ! 👎😝
demonrats are a disgrace to our country acting like bratty 4 year olds how disgusting. this is not kindergarten so now demonrats show what little intelligence if any they do not have. Demonrats useless idiots.